Oh yeah, is time to get dirty my sweet readers. It’s been a while since our last Deadly Sins post (oh sweet shame-o-ween), this time I’m back, meaner than ever and ready to let those heads roll! Fashion crimes are often committed in all seasons, it doesn’t matter if it’s Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter, the offenders are always there, wandering our streets in those dreadful garments. Since it’s snowing out there, I thought I’d dedicate this series of sins to a pair of pieces that are often used during this time of the year: the boots. I always think I’ve seen it all, but that’s the thing about us mortals, there is always someone around the corner ready to surprise me (and not in a good way). Here for you, a list of the seven, worst, unforgivable, fashion atrocities people like to put themselves through. Ready for the massacre? I am!
From Jersey Shore’s day one, season one, episode one, I’ve been the biggest fan of the show. Hey, we are all allowed to have guilty pleasures now and then. It’s like a Wild Kingdom, National Geographic documentary, only here you get smushing, fist pumping, GTL, DTF (oh God, I’ve become the ultimate Guido Wikipedia). As much as I enjoy the “getting plastered / losing panties while dancing/ punching each other” part, (almost in a voyeuristic kind of way) the thing that amuses me the most has to be the girls’ style. It’s as if a chick named Tacky ate a dish of neon, with a side of animal print, a glitter milkshake, and a furry dessert, downing it all with some spandex shots. Then picture Tacky as she pulls an exorcist on our dear, teeny, tiny Snooki, that’s how our girl gets dressed. Now that we are in the Snooki department, she’s responsible of the first of our sins. How many leopard dresses and hairy boots does this girl own? The real question is, why on earth would you pair them up? Sweety, life’s not a costume party, and the Yeti sure is not happy to be portrayed by you as “slutty Yeti”.
How many times have I seen this sin, walking around shamelessly through the streets. They are white, plastic (not patent), with a black sole, pointy and always, with an unflattering length and a ridiculous heel (you know that heel that was supposed to be high but just didn’t measure up). If you wear them for Halloween I can bare it. If you wear them with jeans, it’s a nightmare. But then there’s that denim mini skirt, red tube top and white boot combo, that’s called apocalypse now. I don’t care how comfy they are (they do not seem comfy), how good you think they look on you (you are probably on medication) or if you can get 2 for the price of one (double crime), the only place a pair of plastic whities belong to is the trash. Seriously, if you have to choose a lifetime of barefootedness over them, go barefoot…. all the way.
I remeber that before the thigh-high boot madness began, I already had my pair of suede beauties. Not that I consider myself precursor of this trend, but I was actually wearing them before people got used to seeing them on ordinary girls, not street walking ones (first time I wore them, someone actually shouted prostitute at me). Then came the boom, and I was just another female with a pair of stylish boots. Don’t get me wrong, thigh-highs can be a girl’s best friend. If the fit is right, if your height allows you to pull it off (you don’t want to look like Puss in boots) but above all, if it’s the right kind of style. There are two kinds of boots, the fashion one and the tranny/stripper/ho one. You might not believe me, but I’ve seen women mistake them. Unless your name is Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, work the pole at a strip joint or have a street corner and clients, stay away from the crystal platform, vinyl and laced ones. Mistaken identity cases can end up hurting your feelings and self esteem, but also in jail for solicitation.
Shopping rule number one, when it comes to shoes, if it doesn’t fit right, it never will. “They’ll losen up”, or “I’ll loose some weight so my legs will slim down” are some of the lies we tell ourselves when the desired pair is not available in our size. Let’s save ourselves all that self -deception crap and face it: they were not made for us to have them. How many times have you seen the girl whose thigh has turned into a prosciutto leg because she managed to zip up a knee-high boot that was too small for her calf? How about the one who ruins her whole ensemble and pretty legs by cutting their length with ill-fitting booties? When buying boots, pay attention to the fit. It has to zip comfortably and leave the space needed for you to tuck in a pair of jeans or some tights. When buying ankle boots, make sure they flatter your figure not cut it in half.
Breaking up it’s hard to do, we all know that. But when parting ways is necessary, you can’t avoid it! Yes, we all have that favorite pair of boots, the ones we have always referred to our life saviors, partners in crime, friends during good times and bad ones. There was a time when your boots were young and pretty, but if like Lindsay Lohan after one too many, they start looking all used up, old and haggard, it’s time to say goodbye. Walking the road with a steel nail as the top piece (because the plastic one already wore out) is among the worst crimes of fashion. If you add to that a peeled tip, oh boy, you’ve got major trash material on your feet. So unless your battered babies are meant to be that way (biker boots have always that look) or undergo major surgery at the shoe hospital, it’s time to give them eternal rest.
To all of those who commit the dreadful cowboy boots and flared jeans crimes: Toto, we are not in the Wild West anymore or Kansas by all means. I used to love Bonanza, I used to play I was Sharon Stone’s Lady in the Quick and the Death, that does not mean I can go out and about looking like her. Boy, have I seen the Yee haw! offenders several times. Ample flared jeans, textured and tacky cowboy boots and I do not know why, a matching denim jacket and of course, a hat. You like’em country boots, pick a discreet pair and wear them only when the occasion allows it. Like the jeans, go for a killer pair and add some wedges (your 1995, washed up pair with the threads hanging from the hem won’t do). Chuck Norris did not wear flare and boots, neither did J.R. Ewing on Dallas (those were two cool fellas with an appreciation for the wetsern world), why on Earth would you?
This one is among the most common crimes committed by women out there. I don’t know if it’s due to the overdose of Real Housewives of “the city of your choice” series or the hordes of Z-listers Hollywood has us putting up with. Was it ever cool to buy yourself a Juicy Couture tracksuit, pair it with some Ugg boots, tacky eyewear with Swarovski crystals and a LV multicolor, monogrammed bag and of course, a Chihuahua named Daisy or Cartier (suddenly I feel nauseated, actually I just puked a little inside my mouth)? Well, some girls apparently think it still is. No this is not ok, not even if you have a 6 am, 12 hour flight. A woman must be perfectly cured and poised at all times. Sherbet colored, velour hobo is not fashionable and must be avoided at all times.
Do you have another boot sin worth mentioning? Go ahead, don’t be shy! I hope you enjoyed our Deadly Sins post, I always have a blas preapring it. And remeber, this are personal opinions with a touch of sarcasm .