The weekend is just one day away, but it’s a special kind of weekend my sweet, sweet readers. It’s Halloween! And for this special occasion the Seven Deadly Sins are back! This time is all about costumes! Who doesn’t love to dress up? But if we want to hit the ball out of the ballpark with our attire, there are seven things we shall never do! And here they are:
Sin No. 1: Theme lingerie? NOT A COSTUME
There’s the costume you wear to a party and then there’s the costume you wear in the privacy of your home for your boy’s eyes only. Just because it’s lingerie with a theme it doesn’t make it ok to flash it outdoors unless you: a) are invited to a Playboy Mansion party. b) you are a playmate. c) you work the pole at the Uncle Jim’s Boobie Bungalow d) your name is Miranda Kerr and you actually work for Victoria’s Secret. e) you are a hooker that celebrates holidays and you even dress up as Santa on Christmas. And since we are not going to find ourselves in a situation like the ones mentioned above, I suggest that in case you want to dress as a male fantasy this Halloween, you go for the PG13 version of the costume that is still very sexy but with no crotch flashing or and no peeking nipple kind of drama.
Sin No. 2: Bodypaint toxic event
Last year it was the Avatar madness, this one we will probably get to see a lot of Smurfettes partying it up on Halloween night. But seriously people, is it absolutely necessary to paint your whole skin to get the look? Haven’t you heard of colored bodysuits? What if I’m dressing as a pink ballerina or a a pastel blue playboy bunny? Hell no, I don’t want the sweaty and painted smurf guy dancing near me at a Halloween bash. Body paint is messy, body paint does not let your skin breathe properly (even if the bottle says so), body paint falls off, body paint can ruin the one clothing item you are wearing.
So unless you are Irina Shayk and you are doing the Sports Illustrated Bodypaint Special, refrain from using it, wear a damn lycra and paint your freakin face only. The hundred guests in danger of getting smeared will thank you.
And remeber, sweat + dry paint= wet paint SLASH disaster.
Are you the supermarket costume offender? Is your “ghost” sheet already worn out from serial washing? Do environmentalists camp outside your place due to your toilet paper embalming activities? Is your Halloween costume the same thing you usually wear to go to the gym (because you still feel channeling sporty spice is cool)? If any of your answers was yes, spare yourself and others the pain of “dressing up” for this holiday and just face it, Halloween is not your thing.
Choosing a costume should always be fun, interesting, creative. If it’s a drag, don’t do it. There’s a list of characters that should be banned or vanished from all Halloween parties: the sheet ghost, the toilet paper mummy, the devil (only the headband with horns), the gym person, the “only wearing glasses” nerd, the “I wrote a phrase on a t-shirt” dude, the vampire with plastic fangs, wearing only plastic fangs, the politician mask (you’ll sweat like a pig and it’s soooo last decade) and last but definitely not least, if you are not wearing a costume, don’t and by don’t I mean DON’T say you came dressed as yourself. L-A-M-E
Sin No. 4: Wardrobe malfunction crimes
Yes, we all know Halloween is an excuse for us girls sex it up a bit. It’s all about dressing naughty (I said dressing, not behaving). It’s the only time of the year when bees become slutty, cops wear latex and bunnies, well bunnies wear ties. And since this holiday is all about sexy (spooky costumes are soooo last century, and even those are now made sexy enough), costume shops are always packed with skin-tight, super short, latex, lycra and plastic garments. That is why when shopping for a costume, us girls have to be extra careful about it, the material, the length but above all the fitting!
You want to do the Playboy bunny thing, not the porno, nipple flashing version for Playboy TV. If you want to be the cute bumblebee, no need to flash your sting to the world. And if you are into the sexy, lycra superhero bodysuits, beware and beware of the dreadful camel toe. You don’t want to be the girl with southern pouch, and we are not talking about a kangaroo costume.
Yes, that Ali Larter sundae scene in Varsity Blues changed everyone’s lives (I can still remeber young Dawson Leery’s face) and yes, Lady Gaga shocked us all by wearing her infamous meat dress. But that does not mean you can pull it off too. You can’t just cover yourself with prosciutto, baloney and bacon. If you think you can, you better know you propably won’t look like the Lady, your smell will not be likeable, your host will not want you near his or her couch and if he or she has a dog (pray it’s not a pitbull), the least of your worries is him stripping you off. He might confuse you with a giant sausage and hello Emergency Room.
So if food is your thing, Costume shops have a food section:
- The sin – the meat dress / The alternative: the SPAM plush costume (you wanted savory, I’m giving yoi savory)
- The sin- the human sundae / The alternative: the plush ice cream cone costume
- The sin – Samantha’s naked sushi / The alternative: the naked sushi bodysuit (hilarious).
- You’ll always need bathroom assistance, chances are your friends after several Vodka tonics and some beer pong will be helpless. And since you won’t be asking a stranger for help, you will end up peeing yourself while attempting to get out of the costume.
- You won’t fit into the car, so you’ll probably end up going in a cab solo
- If there is food, you won’t be able to eat. You’ll hands will probably be concealed inside a giant plush thingy or you will probably be wearing some annoying gloves that go with the costume.
- Dancing or moving will be practically impossible and if you fall, getting up is another big issue.
- You’ll probably stain the damn thing with drinks you attempted to get into your mouth. If it’s a rental, good luck with the dry cleaning bill.